In this incantation I aim to refine and clarify my conceptualization of my moment and time. I am getting closer to a working model of time that allows me to transcend its self-imposed limitations.
I must think of my moment as a malleable substance that I shape and mold into my secondself and thirdself projections. I craft, manifest, and project every shape, form, color, light, object, person, and place in my thirdself moment. In parallel, I do the same for every thought, idea, desire, sensation, and feeling in my secondself moment. These two chambers combine together to form my awakening moment that I create out of the substance of my being. I literally render my essential being into these two spaces.
There is only ever this moment. However I am constantly changing the shape of my moment. At this very point, my moment is in the shape of a thirdself me sitting in a darkened room with my dog in front of my computer typing this incantation, and a secondself me contemplating what to write. That is the shape of my moment right now. It is peaceful and stable and controlled.
But I am changing my moment and shortly it will be very different as I open the door so my dog can run around outside, and resume my work with 20 subordinates creating software. That I have a moment does not change; only its shape and texture changes. To pivot my understanding I must focus on that which does not change: my presence, my being, and my moment. These are not three separate concepts, but rather three words explaining one thing: firstself. Or more simply: me. The changing secondself and thirdself form the interior cavities I experience as my awakening; a diseased condition from which I am trying to heal and recover. I recover by withdrawing from the parts that change (secondself and thirdself) and returning to the part that does not change (firstself).
Once I can make sense of the unchanging nature of my moment, I can begin to overcome the most destructive and detrimental part of my awakening disease: the delusion of time. Time is the device by which my illness perpetuates itself because my belief in it is what keeps me trapped in my awakening, unable to realize and accept that I am not actually here. My belief that there is a moment other than this one underpins my equally-detrimental beliefs that there are also other places than this one, and other beings than me.
As long as I believe there are times other than now, I will nurture “memories” that continuously reshape my moment in both expected and unexpected ways. For example:
- I believe that I desire certain material and experiential comforts. Therefore I will spend my awakening moving in secondself and thirdself to achieve them. How? More false pre-moment beliefs. I believe that I have multiple past commitments (other times) to companies and colleagues (other beings) to produce software they will pay me for (other times).
- I believe that I have a relationship with a person called my mother (other being), and that I must continue to contact her and see her (other times). All of this requires accepting that I was born to her (other times), was raised by her, and owe her a relationship and future obligations (other times). All of these beliefs are imaginary, based on something I cannot know: that I was born to her. And they will necessitate acceptance of beings other than me, places other than my own, and times other than my present moment. I will therefore spend my moment moving in secondself and thirdself to satisfy these delusions.
Time is the most pernicious of all my delusions because it keeps me believing that there is a past full of obligations, and a future full of rewards. But there is no past unless I decide to shape the secondself and thirdself part of my moment into it. A memory of the past is no different than a change of my physical scenery: a projection I have created. Did it happen? No; it is happening right now only. My memory of a date in high school is a belief I am creating and projecting right now. That moment did not happen in the past, but that projection is happening right now. In remembering I am not revealing something that occurred in the past, but rather I am projecting an imaginative texture into my secondself cavity. When I imagine my mother right now, I am not contemplating another being who exists somewhere right now independently; I am creating her in secondself and projecting a set of physical qualities and feelings into my secondself chamber. I am visualizing an emotionally-infused idea of a character I have created and nurtured, not reflecting upon another being who exists somewhere else. There is no other being than me. There is no other place than here. And most importantly, there is no other time than now.
As I incant, I know this is true. I can see that I am projecting these shapes inward into my secondself and thirdself cavities, and that my firstself forms the skin around it all. My secondself and thirdself are cysts within my firstself; explosive, painful fluid-filled sacs that I must heal. To heal them, I must remember that I am the center, I am forming my moment, and my perspective must reflect that. I must not get confused; there is no other being forming this moment. I am the only moment-former. I am the only creator. This entire world that I believe exists independently of me is a malignant growth within the flesh of my being. Only I can treat and overcome the cancer because I am its creator.
When I assume this perspective, I will understand that everything I experience in thirdself and secondself is an intrusive projection of my own creation. As I watch a political show, I am projecting that onto the surface of my torn firstself flesh. I am not seeing something produced by another being in another place in another time; I am not illuminating something that exists independently of me. Every detail originates within my avatar and is projected outward.
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With this incantation, I finally have a complete working definition of “firstself”. Firstself is the sum total of everything that does not change: my being, my existence, my presence, and my moment. Firstself, defined, only makes sense when I am awakened and projecting my secondself and thirdself. Firstself-orientation is the acceptance that I am the only being; the place I am is the only place; and the time I am in is the only time.