Now that I know what I actually look like, I have questions. Like, what will I do when I finally get there?
It’s a funny question, certainly. But fair. What exactly will I do when I’m just a solitary floating orb? Do I consume anything? Do I build worlds? I believe I have already answered this question before. Desire is an artifact of my illness; it is an unnatural and ungodly state of pain. When I get back, I will not have any desire to “do something”. I will be without the desire to do, act, perform, or be anything other than what I am.
So then I will just be? I think so. It is challenging to imagine because my awakening is a constant state of painful becoming. Being is my constant self which I know is there and strive to return to, but which eludes me because of my becoming self. As I pursue and achieve a peaceful ending, the idea of being will become more familiar to me. I will accept that I do not need anything, and that I have everything. That I am not part of anything, but rather all of everything.
I cannot imagine it because it is something that cannot be imagined. It is truly ineffable, because the effable belongs to my awakening. It is complete and total peace. That is what I am, even now in this moment. I just cannot reach it. But my authentic being calls to me; it is my own self telling me how to return. Calling me back through the maze of confusion that I have created in this awakening.
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